Romantic love is often characterized by a pronounced concentration on the partner and obsessive thoughts about him, psychological dependence, a strong desire for emotional unity and obsession with their suffering. In fact, we put in the center of the relationship a sign that says “I” and proclaim that we must have this or that.
Addiction is a delay in the vortex of pleasure — again and again and again. If a relationship is built on such possessive love, it will not end well.
Whatever your demons are, they make you miserable. Indulging your momentary desires, you get a fleeting satisfaction, but at the same time deeper and deeper into the abyss of stress and mental disharmony.
There is an ancient mechanism of learning, the same for countless species. That’s how it works. You see attractive food, the brain signals: “Attention: calories! Your survival depends on them!”You eat. If you like the taste, the body gives the brain a signal: “Remember what you eat and where you found it.” The process is fixed in memory and you learn to play it over and over again.
Enjoy the food. Eat. Feel good. And then repeat all over again. Trigger (signal) — behavior — reward.
People, like the simplest organisms, are programmed to move towards what seems attractive and pleasant. This mechanism helped our ancestors to survive, but it gives us a lot of problems.
We want to experience pleasure, reduce tension or, for example, feel important — and the world offers: “Eat chocolate ice cream. Watch another episode of your favorite TV series. Smoke a cigarette. Put the photo on Instagram.” We can only respond to these signals and receive our reward. But satisfaction does not last long and very quickly gives way to anxiety. The brain is almost non-stop reminds that the cycle should be repeated. At the same time, each time the dependence becomes stronger.
We want to experience pleasure, reduce tension or, for example, feel important — and the world offers.
The problem is not only that some actions (overeating, Smoking, procrastination and so on) cause direct damage to health, work and relationships with loved ones. The very state when you feel that something is missing is a stress factor. Addiction makes you feel tense all the time.
To get rid of the feeling of emptiness, we go on about their desires, but even more combing the wound. And you just need to leave it alone and wait for it to drag on.
The first step to healing is to realize the true nature of our desires and to see with open eyes what they lead us to. Let’s look at some examples and see what kind of “reward” we get from our dependencies actually.
Many of us are used to taking selfies and posting their photos on social networks. This is one of the most common dependencies in the modern world. Have you ever wondered what caused it? It’s simple: we want to get the approval of other people and feel their own importance in the community (in the animal world, respect for relatives increases the chances of survival and DNA transmission, so that everything is still explained by primitive instincts).
What do we get in reality? Here you go along the seashore, but do not enjoy the sound of waves, fresh breeze and soft sand under your feet, and for an hour you take pictures of yourself in different poses. Or you sit at a family dinner, but you’re only there physically. You have no time to communicate with relatives, because you are busy with an important matter: check how many likes friends put for your last selfie.
What do we get in reality?
“Scratching” your ego once and having fun, you turn again and again to this source of comfort. Why deal with the causes of boredom, anxiety or sadness, if you can just take another photo, put it in a social network and instantly cheer yourself up? But you do not solve the problem, but only aggravate it.
Anxiety increases, stress increases. To live a day without another dose of likes becomes an impossible task.
Studies have shown that people who depend on virtual interaction, there are serious problems with the control of emotions and behavior. And here is the most interesting thing: they have a reduced sense of self-importance and a sense of isolation from society.
Another unpleasant effect is that users of social networks begin to experience deep dissatisfaction with their own lives. For the purpose of self-presentation, people carefully select and retouch photos, post only the best pictures from holidays and create some perfect picture. We do the same thing, but when we look at other people’s profiles, we forget about it and ask ourselves: “Why is it wrong with me?” Stress increases, there are symptoms of depression. What are we doing? We continue to “slip” in the loop of habit, worsening their condition.
You try to focus on your work, but suddenly get distracted (by a message in Skype, a push notification from your favorite information resource or, for example, pleasant thoughts about a future trip) — and “hang” for a few hours. Sound familiar? We see what promises us pleasure, and succumb to the first impulse.
At this time, accumulate important tasks that less and less want to perform. Anxiety and guilt are growing. To cope with the discomfort, we again switch to something easy and pleasant, repeating the same actions that led us to stress.
At this time, accumulate important tasks that less and less want to perform. Anxiety and guilt are growing.
Dependence on distractions is a serious problem for modern man. The inability to concentrate not only prevents us from carrying out our current tasks, but also creates dangerous situations (in particular, when the driver behind the wheel answers the phone call). Moreover, soaring in the clouds, we can miss the best moments of his life.
Addicted to love
For example, instead of carefully watching a school play with your son, you begin to plan a vacation that will take place very soon. Like, I like the hours (after all, even an anticipation of we get a dose of dopamine), but what are the consequences? First, at this time you miss something more important — the performance of your child. And secondly, your brain won’t stop. He will return you to the same questions again and again: “have I calculated correctly? What else would you need to buy? What dates should I choose?” Such thoughts do not calm, but only create additional pressure.
Remember: the wandering brain is a miserable brain.
The ability to be “here and now” is important at work and in personal life. The habit of distraction (whether on gadgets or in the clouds) usually increases the level of stress and creates a sense of detachment from reality. So arm yourself with self-control and force yourself to focus on the current moment.
Oddly enough, even our beliefs can be just a habit. Sometimes it is very harmful dependence on those postulates to which we were accustomed in childhood, various prejudices and stereotypes. We cling to our views, and ignore all contradictions, because it makes us more comfortable.
Blinkered thinking, bias and inability to analyze new information — that’s what we get in the end. Even when everything points to the falsity of our beliefs, we continue to resist and prove our case (including ourselves). And if we come to insight, it is very painful way.
Blinkered thinking, bias and inability to analyze new information — that’s what we get in the end.
Dependence on beliefs can manifest itself in different ways. For example, parents often praise the child for his intelligence, he gets used to the idea of his own intellectual superiority and, as an adult, begins to demand from others the recognition of these exceptional abilities. Such a person constantly talks about his achievements and waits for raptures from other people, and if he does not receive another portion of admiration, he feels anxiety.
Another example: you have an idol in whose infallibility you are absolutely sure. Even if you provide facts proving the involvement of the person to a serious crime, you to the last will defend the innocence of his character, or to justify his actions.
Having a certain picture of the world in your head gives you considerable satisfaction — to the extent that you become dependent on your views. And at the same time lose the ability to perceive new information or adapt to changes.
There is a difference between love and dependence on it. The disaster occurs when we are completely fixated on our feelings and lose control of the situation.